Conference of Personality

Ben drew the blinds in his room, shut off his PC, and closed the door—locking it. He sat down in the ergonomic office chair he’d been gifted from a friend who had been moving back home and took a deep breath.

“Alright,” the Introvert said. “Thank you everyone for coming today, I know you have nowhere else to go, but today is finally the day we will decide our new goal in life and the personality that will lead us in that direction for the foreseeable future.”

“Is it finally time?” the Lover asked. “Ben could start dating again and finally find the love of his life.”

“Meeting other people?” the Anxious said. “I…I don’t really know if that’s a good idea. What if they’re mean? Or we don’t mesh well? Or if they just want to be our friend to take advantage of our good will?”

“You can’t just put people in a box like that Anxious,” the Optimist said. “There’s plenty of good people out there and Ben has had enough life experience to know what’s healthy and what’s toxic.”

The Anxious looked unsure and made a low-toned sigh.

“I think meeting new people is a great idea,” the Horny interjected. “Going on dates means higher chances of gettin’ down and dirty, and if Ben needs anything it’s sex.”

“Ben is going to grad school,” the Worker said. “We should be focusing on school and advancing our careers, not superficial interactions with the purpose of getting laid.”

“Well, as much as I disagree with the physical focus Horny is talking about,” the Lover interjected. “I do think, maybe, Ben will have enough time in between classes and studying to go out, explore the new city, and maybe find a healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationship.”

“Or, we could avoid all that lame attachment and raise our body count,” the Horny said. “One girl in twenty-five years is embarrassing. Tom has had at least twenty sexual partners, three of which he still has sex with to this day.”

“That’s a lot of people…” the Anxious said.

“Are we even sure what love is?” the Existentialist asked. “How can we find something we can’t identify?”

“You know what we can identify? A solid ass and big tits.”

“Shut up,” the Lover said. “You’re ruining it.”

“The coursework is going to be pretty intensive,” the worker said. “I don’t think we’d have the time or financial stability to support a relationship.”

“Wait, are you saying we’re not going to have any sex during grad school?” the Horny asked. “That’s possibly five years!”

“I’m pretty sure we’re going to have sex,” the Optimist said. 

“We’re pretty awesome,” the Narcissist interjected. “Who wouldn’t want to have sex with us?”

“Do you really think that?” the Anxious asked. “I think they’d see how much of a loser Ben was right away. The fact that we’re going to grad school and aren’t already situated in a career with financial excess seems like a bad sign. Then there’s also the fact that Anna…”

The room went cold and silent at the mention of Ben’s ex-girlfriend.

“I don’t think Ben is over Anna,” the Introvert said. “He keeps on dreaming about her and he even sometimes looks her up on Instagram. So, I’m sorry Lover, but we might have to wait on finding true love.”

“The online wisdom states that if we throw ourselves into meeting new people, we could meet someone that could get us to forget about Anna,” the Devil’s Advocate said.

“That’s a rebound though,” the Introvert said. “I don’t want to use anyone or make someone feel used, that doesn’t feel good and can hurt them deeply.”

“If we solidify the parameters of the relationship in the beginning and explain that it’s just a friends with benefits situation, we can have all the sex we want," the Horny explained.

“I don’t know if anyone would really want to have sex with Ben,” the Anxious said.

“Does any of this really matter,” the Nihilist finally chimed in. “Why are we really even trying to change Ben’s personality, you’ve been doing a fine job of it so far Introvert, and I don’t really think it’ll matter in the long run, you always take control eventually.”

“Now that’s not entirely true,” the Optimist said. “I think every time we’ve let another one of us take the reins, even if it’s for a short period of time, we’ve all learned a lot and grown from the experience. And I think those moments have informed Introvert’s control and changed the way they’ve done things.”

“I agree with Nihilist,” the Narcissist said. “No matter which version we pick, Ben will be awesome and people will continue to love and admire him like they always have.”

“Living up to people’s expectations feels like a very heavy burden,” the Anxious said.

“Why do we have to choose?” the Existentialist asked. “We are all different facets of Ben, so why does one even need to maintain dominance in the personality? What if we all worked together, as equals, and presented Ben’s entirety rather than defaulting to a singular aspect? It’s not like we hate each other, we all work together to exist as Ben’s multifaceted personality, one that is perhaps more interesting when presented as a whole and understood in its entirety rather than pieced out and sold in smaller, individual chunks. What if, instead of the way things have been—where Introvert regulates out daily activities and is given the role of caring for the rest of us and ensuring that each aspect is maintained and given proper nutrients—we do away with this system of governance completely and work together with clear communication and empathy to build Ben’s personality with equal measures of each of us. I’m sure the refusal to default to one specific archetype would be refreshing to others.”

“You think so?” the Anxious asked. “You really think people are patient and open enough to give you the time of day when your first impression is a fractured mess of multiple personalities that might be acceptable and charming with a person who they’ve known for longer but is confusing and possibly off-putting with a person who doesn’t have the shared experience and overall feelings of compatibility needed to start and maintain a friendship or relationship.” The Anxious’s voice grew faster and louder. “With the increase of accessibility to information, news, and personality pseudo-science, social cues and situational analysis have only gotten faster and if people can’t fit your first interaction into a recognizable archetype from which to work from, they will either find you interesting and mysterious or dismiss you altogether due to having no patience for someone with such a poorly crafted outward presentation. You may think to yourself, well, what about the people who find such a presentation interesting and mysterious. Well, now you’ve set a high expectation that if this is your first impression, it will only get more interesting as they peel back the outward appearance and learn how all these seemingly disparate pieces fit together, but that is a misunderstanding, because we have simply presented the separate aspects of ourselves all at once, sacrificing the need to investigate us further to discover more. So, people who come to us looking for depth or to ‘solve the mystery’ will only find disappointment when they realize there is nothing more to understand, but instead there is just the homework of organizing the mess that was presented on day one into the boxes they would have gone into anyway if we presented a coherent and singular impression in the first place. What you’re suggesting is anarchy that only serves to overcomplicate a system that is already based largely on individual intuition and impulsive judgments.”

“What if it’s not like that,” the Devil’s Advocate asked.

“Do you care to expand on your assertion?” the Worker asked.

“I just don’t think that Anxious is thinking about all the possibilities,” the Devil’s Advocate said. “I can imagine a situation where people don’t either immediately dismiss our messy personality or find interest in the wrong thing. I’m sure there are people out there who would just warmly accept the fact that we’re trying something different or, maybe, they’ve also had this same conversation and know exactly what we’re trying to do. These are all possibilities.”

The Anxious shook their head.

“There is also the very real possibility that we surpass all expectations with our mysterious and cool and complex demeanor and wow all of our peers and acquaintances,” the Narcissist said.

“Then we have sex with all of them,” the Horny said.

“We’re not having sex with everyone we meet,” the Introvert said.

“That’s not fair—”

“I think we’re great at sex,” the Narcissist said.

“Why don’t we just do whatever we feel like doing in the moment,” the Nihilist asked. “What’s the point of setting up a personality structure that could possibly get in the way of something or someone we’d want to focus time on?” 

“If we don’t have a personality structure, then how are we supposed to know which people or things to focus on,” the Worker asked.

“Do we absolutely have to have a specific personality structure in order to find direction?” the Devil’s Advocate asked. “What if we could find purpose without structure?”

“And how are we supposed to do that?” the Worker asked.

“I believe that structures and outlines only serve to obstruct the primordial self and nature’s originality, so I vote for no structure…other than the philosophical structure of searching for oneself…” the Existentialist’s voice trailed off.

“The last time Ben went into a soul-searching self-analysis-through-philosophy bender, we got the Nihilist and all they do is question everything we do,” the Lover said. “Now every time I imagine what romance could sprout between Ben and someone else, they’re always there to ask: ‘but what’s the point when we all die alone?’.”

“We do all die alone,” the Nihilist nodded.

“I wasn’t agreeing with you, I was just…never mind.”

“What do you think Introvert?” Optimist asked. “You’ve been leading us for the last six years, what would you want to do if you maintained dominance?”

“I don’t want to maintain dominance,” the Introvert said, “that’s why I called this meeting in the first place. I’m tired of Ben staying at home and being by himself, I’ve wanted him to change for a while, but it never seemed to be the right time until now.”

“But you’ve done a great job leading us,” the Optimist said.

“I appreciate that, but I think Ben needs something new right now, something different and I don’t know how to provide that for him.”

“Some say we can’t truly ever change our nature,” the Nihilist said. “The reason why you’ve maintained leadership all this time is simply because you, Introvert, are Ben’s true nature and nothing will change that no matter how many times he tries to reinvent himself. You will always be his core personality trait, and I don’t really see anything wrong with that.”

“I think we should at least try one more time before fully accepting anything so finite,” the Introvert said.

There was a silence before the Horny spoke up. “I think if we let the Introvert continue to maintain dominance, we’ll never have sex with more than like…maybe one or two more people.” 

“Okay, now, plenty of introverts have lots of sex,” the Optimist said, which was supported by the Lover, the Existentialist, and the Introvert.

“I don’t see a problem with only one partner,” the Lover said.

“I just think we might be missing out on a lot of fun if we continue to be so severely introverted…and anxious,” the Horny said.

“That’s mean,” the Anxious said, “but a fair point.”

“I don’t see a problem with staying at home when we are going to have such a large and extensive workload,” the Worker said. “Do you guys not understand how strenuous a graduate program is? We have to write a thesis at the end of all this you know?”

“I think we’ll have time to socialize and do other things,” the Devil’s Advocate said.

“I’m pretty sure we can handle more than one thing at a time,” the Optimist said. “The idea of not finding a meaningful relationship in the next three to five years sounds like a long time.”

“We’re going to be so old and socially and financially behind all of our friends,” the Anxious said.

“But we’re inherently better than all of them, so it’s okay,” the Narcissist said, “We’ll catch up to them in no time and then surpass them greatly.”

“I don’t think that should really be the goal here,” the Existentialist said. “Everyone has different paths. We shouldn’t worry about what is ‘normal’ socially and financially. Ben is going to graduate school to find a new career path and we should support that while also doing what we can in other aspects of life.”

“That’s why we should focus on our studies and advancing Ben’s wealth of knowledge,” the Worker said. “The more applicable skills he has, the more chances for success he will have.”

  “What I’m saying,” the Optimist chimed in, “is that we can both work hard and socialize in this new city, and whatever comes of it will come of it. We’ll be there to receive whatever finds us out there.” 

“Maybe even true love and marriage and a lifetime partner who loves us for all the different parts of us,” the Lover said.

“I’d rather not divide my attention and end up with two rather half-baked products when I could have had one amazing product—in this case a better, more wide-reaching knowledge of what we want our future career to be,” the Worker said.

“Life isn’t that simple,” the Existentialist said. “It’s definitely more about juggling several different things as once than focusing in on just one thing. We’ll end up losing out if we ignore our all needs just to tunnel vision in on our education.”

The fragments all began to speak over each other until the Introvert spoke up. “I think this is a good moment to refocus our discussion,” the Introvert said. “We should probably decide on the goal of our graduate school years and from there we can devise a plan of action.”

“Why make a plan now when we don’t even know what life will be like over there?” the Nihilist asked.

“I think making a plan is a good idea,” the Anxious said.

“I want to have sex…like a lot,” the Horny said.

“I think we understand the concerns of Lover and Horny, thank you,” the Introvert said.

“I just want to put it out there that my goal is not the same as Horny’s,” the Lover said.

“Yes, agreed,” the Introvert said. “It was not my intention to say that you both had the same goal, just that you both have very clear goals.”

“With similar methodology,” the Worker said. “You both want to go out and meet people and achieve a form of intimacy, physical versus emotional, while our coursework goes unfinished—”

“Okay, yes, we also understand your goals Worker,” the Introvert said. “What about everyone else?”

“I don’t really have a goal,” the Nihilist said.

“I would like to succeed at something,” the Optimist said. “Not that I think we’d fail, but I think doing the proper work to achieve success would be nice…”

“So, you want to have a goal and achieve that goal?”

“Yeah…that sounds good.”

The Introvert sighed and then turned to the Existentialist.

“I want Ben to really find himself,” the Existentialist said. “I think grad school, a new city, new people, it’ll be good for him.”

“What if we don’t have a goal?” the Devil’s Advocate asked. “What if—”

“Alright,” the Introvert sighed. “I want you to count to one hundred before you speak again.”

“I think anything we do is going to be a success and, no matter what, we’re better than everyone and they all admires us anyways, so I’m cool with whatever you guys want,” the Narcissist said.

“It would be nice…if we were a bit more confident,” the Anxious said.

“Did you just hear what Narcissist said?” Worker asked.

“I’m by far the weakest, even if I’m the best, personality trait,” the Narcissist said.

“I don’t think we need to be egotistical,” the Anxious clarified, “just…more confident.”

“I think having a lot of sex will give us confidence, means people like us enough to be physically intimate with us,” the Horny said.

“Okay, I want you to count to one hundred too before you speak again,” the Introvert said. “Guys, these are all very nice goals, but somewhat…” the Introvert stopped. “I guess I can’t even say they’re vague goals…I’ll change what I was going to say. Is there a goal we can all agree on?”

There was silence for the first time.

“I think this list of goals and/or lack thereof, is indicative of Ben’s current situation,” the Optimist said. “I think in terms of career, Ben is working towards shifting out of a career path that he tried and hated and is now going back to school to explore something he finds interesting. I’d call that progress, I’d call that a win, I don’t think we need to change that. When it comes to personal issues or personality and social goals, I think the question we all have, but none of us are willing to say out loud is: even if we try to change, will any of it stick?”

“I pointed this out just a few moments ago,” the Nihilist said. “Ben is an introvert by nature and so Introvert will always be the dominant personality trait. There’s really no point in discussing it further.”

“That’s not exactly what I mean,” the Optimist said. “I think what I’m saying is…well, partially building off what Nihilist is saying, Ben is an introvert. He likes being social and having friends, but he gets physically and mentally exhausted by being around people. He needs alone time to recover after long outings with friends. He likes sitting alone in his apartment and playing video games. He enjoys working individually and thinks most people are hard to deal with. He's also not a fan of people. He prefers to text rather than talk on the phone and whenever he’s put on the spot to talk or come up with a topic of discussion, he shrinks back and Anxious gets to let loose and rant. He reflects on the smallest social interactions and criticizes even the smallest thing he said even though it’s most likely that the other person doesn’t even remember it. And, even if Horny or Narcissist or I take dominance in the personality, I don’t think it’s going to stick. I’m actually fairly certain that it’ll create such an imbalance in Ben’s mind that he might individually traumatize himself.”

“Then what should we do?” the Anxious asked.

“Sounds like you’re saying what I was saying, just with more words,” the Nihilist said.

“Well, sort of, but I don’t think we can’t change ourselves, nor do I think we should insist on changing ourselves entirely,” the Optimist said. “I think the best option is for us to work together and accept that Ben may be an introvert at heart but, being the human that he is, has room to allow the other facets of his personality to shine, which we can give time and space to in more meaningful, even if smaller, chunks of time. That way, even if Introvert is the dominant personality who governs the rest of us, they don’t have to manage us all the time and can be given time to rest and relax while one of us has our moment to exist outwardly and unrestrained.”

“Freedom to switch between the multiple aspects of our personality in a more fluid personality build that allows access to any aspect at any time, but with an understanding that the core nature still exists and must be respected to do so,” the Existentialist said. “I like this.”

The room seemed to agree with the Optimist’s suggestion until they turned to the Introvert.

“I don’t want this,” the Introvert said.

“What’s the problem?”

“I don’t want Ben to be an introvert anymore, I hate it.”

“What do you mean?” the Worker said.

“I was worried this would happen,” the Anxious said. “Introvert hates us for forcing them to be the dominant personality for so long.”

“It’s not that,” the Introvert said. “I just feel like I’m holding everyone back. My preference to stay at home and my exhaustion when it comes to social interactions lowers the chances for Lover and Horny to find acceptable partners. My inability to like humans or find joy in certain things seems to run opposite Optimist’s mindset and, due to my dominance in the personality, forces them to adjust to me rather than the other way around. Ben staying the way he is and always has been holds back Nihilist, Devil’s Advocate, and Existentialist because I do think about what could be if I wasn’t leading, but I don’t have the heart to either embrace myself fully or search for what it means to be myself. Then, when Ben starts to look outside himself and compare himself to others, I just think that extroverts seem to have so much fun and get all these friends and I end up feeding into Anxious’s worries and hurting Narcissist’s ego…” the Introvert sighed.

“I don’t really see a problem with all that,” the Horny said.

“Yeah, I think that’s fine,” the Devil’s Advocate said.

“I think if we implement Optimist’s plan, it could give us a bit more freedom to work the way we want to, but your overall guidance these past six years hasn’t been an issue at all,” the Worker said.

“I think we’re awesome either way,” the Narcissist said. “Whatever we decide will only make the difference in superiority, between us and the rest of humanity, more apparent.”

“I think Optimist’s plan is fine as long as I don’t have to do too much,” the Nihilist said. “If I am given time to act, I’m going to just hand that time over to Introvert.”

“I don’t think my worries would get any better if Ben started to act against his own nature,” the Anxious said. “I think it would only make things worse, honestly. I think having a safe place to go back to when we’re tired is a good thing.”

“And sometimes Anxious’ worries keep us from getting into trouble,” the Narcissist said. “Remember that time with Stephanie and Luke? Without Anxious, we’d never have been able to look Stephanie in the eyes again.”

“I trust you more than I trust myself,” the Lover said. “My goals are clear, but love can’t be the only thing a person is concerned with. They need to be in the right place in life with the right mindset to find true love, and a person who’s only concern is looking outwardly for a partner will never find one if they can’t take the time to understand and accept what’s inside themselves—especially with regards to their partner.”

“I will admit, we have been forcing the brunt of thought and consideration onto you,” the Optimist said to the Introvert, “and I think maybe that’s why you feel this way, because we don’t really function as a group, but only work when you ask us to. If we were to work more cooperatively and not so much with the express mindset of having one dominant personality trait or that one aspect of our personality discredits another, then I think we can all be happier.”

“We’re all in this together,” the Existentialist said.

The Introvert breathed a sigh of relief. “I like that idea,” they said. “We can all work together towards a better life for Ben.”

“The only thing we absolutely have to do if we enact this personality union is to make sure Terminally Online doesn’t get too much time in control,” the Worker said.

There was a moment of silence, then everyone quietly nodded their heads in agreement. “For Ben’s mental health,” they all said in unison.